25.8.09
24.7.09
Procrastination Journal
So, not that I have time to be passing -- I supposedly will be leaving in two hours (though I'm beginning to wonder whether that will happen, since my father only got finished playing runescape 3 hours ago and is suddenly complaining that the previously agreed time is "too early.")
I am going back to Wisconsin this morning. When I get there greatly depends on when I leave and what happens in between.
I'm going through the normal anxieties. Keep remembering things to pack. Keep wondering what else I'm forgetting. Delayed and unprecidented thoughts of "Oh my goodness, I'm actually leaving home for real-for good-this time" ...
At some point, it hits you. You know? "What on earth am I doing?"
I mean, don't get me wrong. it is clear that there's really nothing left for me here. When I came back here, I felt sick. I didn't want to be here. For the past three months I've been looking forward to this. It's finally here. But as usual, any potential excitement is trumped by the normal chemical confusion.
The last time I rode there by vehicle was "way back" when ~servantofChrist18 and I went to New Tribes Bible Institute. I don't own that car, anymore. I don't go to that school anymore. It's hard to think that it was just last year. I think I was less anxious then because it felt less permanant, I took only what I needed and, face it, I had someone to talk to, to distract me from any potential anxiety. This time, I'm riding out with the source of so much of my anxiety. Heh.
But that aside ... it's this whole moving thing. It almost feels spontanious; I'm doing it because three months ago I saw no other desirable path, and I still see no other desirable path, and so off I go.
It just feels incredibly, strange. Because, so often changes like this in our lives are sudden; things takes unexpected turns and life goes great leaps and all kinds of other things happen that we don't plan, so we barely have the time to let it hit us. We just react accordingly and go with it. You know, like going to High School, or falling in love...
... But when you plan a major life change, it's different. You have some level of control (supposedly,) and so you suddenly become a lot more fearful and anxious that you may do the wrong thing, or have the wrong timing, and ... I wonder if this is similar to what men think when faced with the obstacle of "engagement"? lol.
And no. I'm not afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing. Obedience to God, loving Him and keeping His commandments is how to do the "right thing"; where we go in life or what we do as we are obeying Him is not going to put us "in" or "out" of God's will; His hand is in it from the beginning.
It's all really emotional and irrelevant. But journals are for getting it out, right?
Order of business...
- Get back to Wisconsin (Friday afternoon/evening?)
- Saturday, family staying, show them around, etc.
- Sunday, church (one of the main reasons I am going back!)
- August 1 - move in date. (I'm going to be staying somewhere else in the area until then.)
... And then we'll see. Hopefully I will land a job quickly, something to pay the rent. Figure out the bus system. Get my life back in order. Not neccessarily in that order, but then again, this is me we're talking about ...
And, yeah.
That's enough procrastinating, for now. I still have some scattered items to gather. Like my thoughts and marbles and mind in general... and whatnot.
Heather
I am going back to Wisconsin this morning. When I get there greatly depends on when I leave and what happens in between.
I'm going through the normal anxieties. Keep remembering things to pack. Keep wondering what else I'm forgetting. Delayed and unprecidented thoughts of "Oh my goodness, I'm actually leaving home for real-for good-this time" ...
At some point, it hits you. You know? "What on earth am I doing?"
I mean, don't get me wrong. it is clear that there's really nothing left for me here. When I came back here, I felt sick. I didn't want to be here. For the past three months I've been looking forward to this. It's finally here. But as usual, any potential excitement is trumped by the normal chemical confusion.
The last time I rode there by vehicle was "way back" when ~servantofChrist18 and I went to New Tribes Bible Institute. I don't own that car, anymore. I don't go to that school anymore. It's hard to think that it was just last year. I think I was less anxious then because it felt less permanant, I took only what I needed and, face it, I had someone to talk to, to distract me from any potential anxiety. This time, I'm riding out with the source of so much of my anxiety. Heh.
But that aside ... it's this whole moving thing. It almost feels spontanious; I'm doing it because three months ago I saw no other desirable path, and I still see no other desirable path, and so off I go.
It just feels incredibly, strange. Because, so often changes like this in our lives are sudden; things takes unexpected turns and life goes great leaps and all kinds of other things happen that we don't plan, so we barely have the time to let it hit us. We just react accordingly and go with it. You know, like going to High School, or falling in love...
... But when you plan a major life change, it's different. You have some level of control (supposedly,) and so you suddenly become a lot more fearful and anxious that you may do the wrong thing, or have the wrong timing, and ... I wonder if this is similar to what men think when faced with the obstacle of "engagement"? lol.
And no. I'm not afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing. Obedience to God, loving Him and keeping His commandments is how to do the "right thing"; where we go in life or what we do as we are obeying Him is not going to put us "in" or "out" of God's will; His hand is in it from the beginning.
It's all really emotional and irrelevant. But journals are for getting it out, right?
Order of business...
- Get back to Wisconsin (Friday afternoon/evening?)
- Saturday, family staying, show them around, etc.
- Sunday, church (one of the main reasons I am going back!)
- August 1 - move in date. (I'm going to be staying somewhere else in the area until then.)
... And then we'll see. Hopefully I will land a job quickly, something to pay the rent. Figure out the bus system. Get my life back in order. Not neccessarily in that order, but then again, this is me we're talking about ...
And, yeah.
That's enough procrastinating, for now. I still have some scattered items to gather. Like my thoughts and marbles and mind in general... and whatnot.
Heather
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