His Will Be Done.

I sat down on the couch of my empty dorm room with my devotional, a collection of short writings by Spurgeon. Yet I could not focus. As I looked around my dorm room, at the clean floor, the fresh smell, the piles of packed bags and scattered things about the desks, I was reminded of the beginning of the semester, back in August, when things were still new. As with then, there was no anticipation of assignments now. No longer commanded by a schedule, a list of things "to do," I could relax. It has been a somewhat chaotic semester; I am still trying to sort it all out in my mind.

There is a sense that this should not be new. I have had full time jobs where my life was consumed for at least a third of the day. Yet when I went home, I went home. That was it. That was my time. It was my time to talk to friends, to go places, to hang out, to read, to write, to do as I wished.

Yet it is not so here. For classes give homework, and dorms give distraction, and it is an environment both educational and social, all tossed into a mixing pot of Christians from all kinds of circumstances. It is a bubble in one sense, an other-worldly cultural experience in another. And generally, I came into this wanting it. I came knowing it would be hard, but I came desiring a new experience. I desired discipline. I desired to grow and learn. And to some extent, these things have happened, and to some extent, I have caved in at times, and I have not approached everything with the patience and the love that I should have. It may have something to do with the fact that I prayed for humility at the beginning of the semester?

God-willing, I will be back in Waukesha next year; I will be back at NTBI, if He is willing. But I will not be living at the school. After several meetings with the deans, this decision has seemed best. I will be able to learn to live on my own, and hold a job, and it may potentially lower some costs.

Yet it seems to be, above nothing else, an answer to prayer. For long, I have not known whether to continue at NTBI; regardless, I have also come to a church that I love and would like to call my own. If for nothing else than for my church, I want to live in Waukesha. After meeting with my pastor at the beginning of the year, I realized that scripturally-speaking, the local church should be a believer's priority: over job, over hobbies, over everything apart from perhaps one's own family and personal relationship with God (for these are most important.) It does, hoewver, include my education: the church takes precedent over school, since it is a duty of the church to instruct in the word of God. Therefore, if I cannot return to NTBI as a paying student, then perhaps I will come to audit classes. If I cannot do that, then perhaps I am finished after all with this school. God will determine all. My first priority remains, to simply find a place to live in the town so that I can continue fellowship with my church. I am confident that if I put my effort to this task, God will place me where He wants me and provide what is sufficient.

For the time being ... I think it will be strange to go back home -- it always is. I seem to be forming a habit of not staying in one place for long, or in one circumstance, so going back to a familiar one is, in itself a foreign experience.

The flight leaves tomorrow afternoon. I'll be in Pennsylvania for about a month. God willing.

Shall see how it goes, yes?

Isn't the Cross sufficient?

You know ... I keep coming across stories of youth suicide ...

It's really getting to me. Some of these folk, you might expect it from. Their lives are full immorality and all kinds of junk that are sure to be the downfall of a man. But others, are professing Christians. That shouldn't be happening.

For instance, I recently read of a lad who committed suicide after being exposed to some atheistic propoganda, which some claim apparently hurt his faith enough to cause him to take his life. For sake of his integrity I do not want to link to the article.

Yet I researched the lad's name online, and though I found him to have a lot of political discernment, with concern on the standard Christian issues -- marriage, abortion and the like -- a truly intelligent young man -- I found his approach, largely appealing to the intelligence, and lacking in appeal to all things spiritual. As though he believed in God because he could prove God, and when someone with more years under his belt came along and outwitted him to disprove God, his foundation for faith crumbled.

This is why I must take such a careful approach to how apologetics are used. For to found a faith entirely on evidence is to be carnal, and to found it purely on presupposal is potential fantasy (you can presuppose anything!) Yet the stuff of true faith is, beyond both of these, supernatural. I cannot tell you completely what causes me to believe. It is not because I ignorantly choose to nor because I have been convinced by my eyes. I truly believe that my belief is a work of God.

I looked at this lad's life through tidbits he left in his wake (online,) and he spoke of heartache and drunkenness and though I am in no position to question his salvation, I certainly think that it wasn't any loss of faith alone that contributed to his eventual downfall. I know firsthand how emotions can play on one's desire to live. Heartache doesn't contribute to one's desire to live, and alcohol doesn't help either. Now, I think people make mistakes. I even believe it is possible for one of God's elect to be so overwhelmed that he might make a poor decision in a moment and take his life. Again, I do not claim to know who is saved. I can only look at the fruit.

I wonder -- If the assurance of salvation is in the fruit of the Holy Spirit, to be barren of that fruit, and uncertain of salvation, would no doubt also hurt ones assurance that there is a God. After all, one of the greatest evidences of Christianity is in changed lives; (I am speaking of the true church.) But to suggest that such a loss of faith is the result of a loss of external, scientific evidence is unfortunate. Because, again, in a debate a person needs not to suggest more truth -- only be a more influencial speaker. For instance, I heard it recently mused, "how can so many intelligent people follow Obama?" ... And for that reason. He is an influencial speaker. Hitler was an influencial speaker. He was not correct.

Yet Paul says this:
"For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power." - 1 Cor. 1:17

The gospel defends itself. The message of the cross in itself is mighty to save. How convincingly must we have it presented? Is there preached any other thing to draw men than Christ on the cross alone?

Friends, how can we have a Christianity if we are concerned about all of the aspects of Christianity -- all of the studies, the philosophies, the theologies, the apologetics, the political issues, if our own eyes and hearts are centered anything other than the cross itself? The wrath of God was poured out on Christ instead of us, on our behalf, that every person who believes might have fellowship with God eternally! This is the message that saves. Have we lost our focus?

There is nothing more humbling, and yet encouraging, to make us want to submit to God and yet live on for Him, than to remember His work. No political science or worldly relationship or other thing can take the place of the power of the cross. If we find ourselves unsatisfied with life, as though God has not "done enough" or as though the world is somehow too overwhelming with all of its temptations and earthly wisdom and its sin, can it be because our eyes are not upon that cross? Are we not a vapour, and yet God saw us important enough to sustain us? Then what fear in this world can we have!

My heart breaks for the discouraged, for those who somehow see it fit to end their lives, because it is as though we are still seeking the things of the world to give us satisfaction, (if not in our flesh, then in our minds and in our hearts) Yet with all of these things have we been commanded to love God!

We have parts of the body for the reason. We have those to run our discernment ministries and those to give us our defenses and those to guide us in political matters. We have the eyes and the hands and the lips and all of this works together. Yet what are any of these, if they are not guided by the head that is Christ, focused foremost on Him and His work, that there may be something to unite us?

I believe that there is something great happening. I know that God is calling many young men and women back to the truth. I say this not as a general statement but as something possibly unprecidented. And I wonder what God is preparing us for, and I wonder what great opposition we will face?

Were we ever called to lower our defense? Ought we not be prepared in all things and at all times? Not focusing on our worldly drama and our own shortcomings and doubts ... Is the cross not sufficient?