24.7.09

Procrastination Journal

So, not that I have time to be passing -- I supposedly will be leaving in two hours (though I'm beginning to wonder whether that will happen, since my father only got finished playing runescape 3 hours ago and is suddenly complaining that the previously agreed time is "too early.")

I am going back to Wisconsin this morning. When I get there greatly depends on when I leave and what happens in between.

I'm going through the normal anxieties. Keep remembering things to pack. Keep wondering what else I'm forgetting. Delayed and unprecidented thoughts of "Oh my goodness, I'm actually leaving home for real-for good-this time" ...

At some point, it hits you. You know? "What on earth am I doing?"

I mean, don't get me wrong. it is clear that there's really nothing left for me here. When I came back here, I felt sick. I didn't want to be here. For the past three months I've been looking forward to this. It's finally here. But as usual, any potential excitement is trumped by the normal chemical confusion.

The last time I rode there by vehicle was "way back" when ~servantofChrist18 and I went to New Tribes Bible Institute. I don't own that car, anymore. I don't go to that school anymore. It's hard to think that it was just last year. I think I was less anxious then because it felt less permanant, I took only what I needed and, face it, I had someone to talk to, to distract me from any potential anxiety. This time, I'm riding out with the source of so much of my anxiety. Heh.

But that aside ... it's this whole moving thing. It almost feels spontanious; I'm doing it because three months ago I saw no other desirable path, and I still see no other desirable path, and so off I go.

It just feels incredibly, strange. Because, so often changes like this in our lives are sudden; things takes unexpected turns and life goes great leaps and all kinds of other things happen that we don't plan, so we barely have the time to let it hit us. We just react accordingly and go with it. You know, like going to High School, or falling in love...

... But when you plan a major life change, it's different. You have some level of control (supposedly,) and so you suddenly become a lot more fearful and anxious that you may do the wrong thing, or have the wrong timing, and ... I wonder if this is similar to what men think when faced with the obstacle of "engagement"? lol.

And no. I'm not afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing. Obedience to God, loving Him and keeping His commandments is how to do the "right thing"; where we go in life or what we do as we are obeying Him is not going to put us "in" or "out" of God's will; His hand is in it from the beginning.

It's all really emotional and irrelevant. But journals are for getting it out, right? :)

Order of business...
- Get back to Wisconsin (Friday afternoon/evening?)
- Saturday, family staying, show them around, etc.
- Sunday, church (one of the main reasons I am going back!)
- August 1 - move in date. (I'm going to be staying somewhere else in the area until then.)
... And then we'll see. Hopefully I will land a job quickly, something to pay the rent. Figure out the bus system. Get my life back in order. Not neccessarily in that order, but then again, this is me we're talking about ...

And, yeah.

That's enough procrastinating, for now. I still have some scattered items to gather. Like my thoughts and marbles and mind in general... and whatnot. ;)

Heather

13.7.09

a "classic" love story

t's certainly been a crazy couple of weeks. I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of a couple of real good friends of mine, here in Pittsburgh. So, there was some running around to do for gifts, dress fittings, rehearsal, etc.

The wedding is finally over, though, and I have no problem rejoicing over that -- it was a beautiful day, but I am sure that Lindsay and Steve are happy to finally do away with all the stress of wedding planning and just enjoy their honeymoon in Florida! I am further convinced, between the failed wedding that I had "planned" and watching her (successfully but stressfully) plan this one, that I do not want to go through much trouble for a wedding. Maybe some aesthetical planning of how to successfully make a wedding cake out of oreo cakesters, but that's it! *grin*

I really don't want to bore you guys with all of the details of how I put my make up on, rode in a limo, went to a photoshoot at a graveyard, had champagne throughout, and undid what was left of my hairstyle while riding home in a friend's convertible -- though all of that was quite fun. I normally don't get to do those things. There was also the awkwardness of dancing (and being escorted down the aisle) with a man who is not my boyfriend, because of wedding traditions and such. Of all the things I've done, I have never danced with someone in my life. There was also an open bar, but for moderation sake I tried not to make too much use of that. (Even if it would have "eased" the awkwardness of it all!) Also was the very touching moment of watching Lindsay and her father silently embrace shortly before it was time to start. It might have jerked about as many tears as the ceremony itself.

What does excite me is the back story to it all.

Back about a year and a half ago, i started attending a local Bible Study through one of my churches here in Pittsburgh. What grabbed my attention about the study was that it was aimed at going through the Bible from start to finish, something I had always aspired to do because of a certain chronological context it gave. It was headed up by one, "Steve and Puffy" -- two guys I really didn't know well at that time, but really got to as the weeks progressed. At the conclusion of each Tuesday night, we would also visit a third person (one that I never actually got to see at the study, funny enough,) and that was Becky. Though she usually had to work, she always got home and had something cooked up for us to eat as we would visit, play games, watch movies and just chat after the study. This entire event had a habit of going quite late.

One week, still early on in the study, one of the church regulars brought a friend with her: Lindsay. As the weeks progressed, the girl who brought Lindsay was unable to keep coming, but Lindsay decided that she would go even if her friend wasn't there. Finally, we were able to convince Lindsay to hang out with us at Becky's, afterwards. She was hesitant because she hardly knew us, but as it turned out, my stubborn nature proved to have a silver lining, and she came.

It also turned out that Lindsay lived amazingly close to me. As a result, she started to be my ride home. It often happens with those who drive me places, that conversations do not end when the car stops at my house, and she was no exception. I think on more than one occasion, we would engage in long and deep discussions, confessions, and prayer. And then one night, she admitted that she began to like somebody. Soon after, she admitted to who it was.

Months went by and our conversations always came back to this, as they do when something just eats away at your heart. She wasn't sure what to do. Part of her just wanted to get it off her chest and confront Steve about it. But I had experience with this -- I had liked people in the past, and unable to bear "not knowing" I would finally confess to them. Only to be shut down. I told her that in the traditional and biblical sense, it is the man who initiates and the woman who waits. I told her that the best way to know if this was God's will was to wait for him to make the first move. Truly, I had no knowledge or suspision that he liked her; I could only hope for her and wait upon the Lord.

... Yet it drove her crazy because for once in her life, she just wanted to be with someone that she really, actually liked. Further, she was intrigued and delighted by his Godly character and biblical knowledge -- it was what she had been hoping for and dreaming for in a future husband. Still, she let her love be patient, and she waited: something I admired because I had never been able to do it.

There was one night in particular that really threw me off. Steve mentioned to me in confidence two young men who happened to like my increasingly close friend -- neither of the names were his. Somehow, I took this not to be a positive signal that he had interest in her. I did not realize that he was, perhaps, feeling around to see (amongst other things) if he stood a chance. I wound up telling Lindsay my (incorrect) observation. While she continued to hold out hope, it somehow had the positive effect of encouraging her just to trust God and seek and be lost in Him, all the more. I can honestly say that I have met few young women with her level of spiritual vigour and biblical hunger. And in the midst of all of her questions and all of our discussions and her admissions to not knowing as much as she thought I knew, I think she wound up encouraging me far more than she could ever know.

But summer grew near, and I would soon be leaving for school. She was incredibly sad about this, but she held out. Before I was going to leave, I had planned on going up to New York City for an inner city missions trip with some others from that church. For the longest time, Lindsay heard talk about it and spoke of how much she wish she could go, but was sure she couldn't. And then, somehow, God opened the door and within a few weeks of the trip, she was able to afford to come with us.

That eventful (and humid!) week came and went, and my own departure time drew near. Just a few days before I was to leave, Lindsay and I decided to go to a local amusement park called Kennywood. To make things better, I spent the night before at her house. For a long time, we just spoke of random things, of the trip, of Christian books and of scripture. I could have never expected what she confided in me then: Steve had asked her out on a date.

It was perfect timing for so many reasons, but with me going off to college several states away, I was so happy just to see that she would have someone else in her life to encourage her. I was also absolutely blown away: as much as I "knew" the right thing for a woman to do was to wait, my own impatience in the past never let me see it actually work. To see that follow through so well in her life gave me a much needed confidence: little did I know that in the months to follow I would meet someone myself and once again require the patience of "not saying anything" but to simply wait upon the man, and on God. It subsequently blossomed into the first relationship I had since I was saved. Perhaps it should not have taken me to see that principle hold true in a my good friend's life before I practiced it myself; nevertheless, I am grateful I did.

It was last Christmas that I came back to Pittsburgh, and that New Years that I was able to learn of Lindsay's engagement. Then I came back again this past summer -- somewhat early because of financial reasons. And as many of you know, that was a hard move to make, but I had no choice. I do know that one of the only but one of the greatest positives of it was just to be able to hang out with her again, and of course to see her be married (and to be amidst her bridesmaids, at that! What an honour.)

So... Goodness. How quickly and how wonderfully these things happen! All my love and prayers to their new union, which is a beautiful thing in the light that a biblical marriage is a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the church; this is truly one of my most favourite biblical analogies.

What's left to do?

Well... return to Wisconsin, I suppose. Guys, thank you for your prayers; praise God, because they've been answered graciously. I am set to go back by August 1st at the latest -- earlier if I can find a temporary place to stay before then. (Anyone in the Milwaukee area? :P) I've made the deposit on an affordable room in the Waukesha area. It will be an experience actually earning my living for the first time in my life, but it is one much needed. I truly can't wait. Moreover, it will be great to finally be back with my church, and Danny, and all of the rest. So wonderful. :heart:

I'm only sad that I *do* have to leave some of the lovely people here in Pittsburgh behind. Nevertheless, my family lives here and so I am sure I will have plenty of opportunities to visit -- and be visited! *wink*

God bless you all!

Heather

3.7.09

1 John 1

1 John 1:

1 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life-- 2 the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us-- 3 that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. 4 And we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete.

5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

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