Suddenly, I'm once again suffering that all too common division between head and heart.
As it might be gathered from the last several posts, my heart is no longer in this school, because I've learned that a decent, local church body can do what any parachurch organisation can, possibly better. So my heart is set on being involved in the church, instead. Yet my head contends that I've put money into this school, and spiritually speaking, I've committed to stay for as long as God provides. To top that off, this school is my Waukesha residence. So, if I am finding that I like Waukesha (and I do,) this is the only way I can be here.
I wish I could write it all down and balance it out, but that is difficult. I don't agree with everyone at this school, and I have found a great level of unpeace with some students. On the other hand, there are still folk who encourage me despite disagreement, and who are respectful, and I can honestly say that the instructors love God. Despite the division over things like the doctrines of grace and the lordship of the believer, (both large issues for me,) I can still respect them. The homework load is also getting to me, not because it is too much but because I have handled it unwisely, and my tendancy, when something becomes a burden, is to begin to neglect it completely.
It doesn't help that about a dozen more things have entered my life, unforeseen, that are slowly releasing me from the bubble of NTBI that I was tightly bound in a few months ago. The irony is that this is, by all means, an answer to prayer -- to find the encouragement, and the fellowship, and the wisdom, and the accountability, and the active church that I wasn't getting within the school. (A lot, but not all of this blessing, is coming through the church. Some of it is also coming through books, friends, online ministries, and soforth.) Yet altogether, the more I leave the confines of the bubble, the more I am struggling to keep up with the obligatory things while I am inside. I am, in fact, failing to keep up. I am not beyond grace, but I am certainly at a point where I might quickly fall beyond my own ability to keep up with things. Except by the continued grace of God, I cannot balance it all.
I do not think there is a clear-cut answer to my mess, except to pray and persevere. I have (half) joked that the temptation is to crawl in a hole with my Bible and maybe Spurgeon or Edwards and just read. You see, part of the problem of going to a Bible college is that you study what they would have you study. For example, they would have me study dispensationalism next semester; if I want the balanced perspective that I want to learn this with, I will have to equally walk myself through a book on covenant theology. Not only is that a large reading load, it is a great burden. Most folk don't struggle here because they are fully submitted to believing everything that is put before them. I am not. Being presented with one passionate perspective, and presenting myself with the other, is certain to be stressful. (This is why I joke that I wish I could do my studying in a hole.)
It is hard wanting to read one bible book, but being assigned to another. Hard to read one (non-bible) book, but be assigned to another (three or four.) Hard wanting to write one thing, but being assigned a paper instead. Hard to do one thing with your time, but being scheduled for something else instead. Hard wanting to give your service one place, but being obligated to another instead.
God put me here, though. God knows the balance. In the end, it's really about what God wants for me, and not what I want for myself -- isn't it? It is neither my intention to forsake NTBI nor the opportunities God is putting me in. I am not, by nature, a busybody, so even the prospect of all of this is foreign to me. Don't ask me what God is preparing me for, but pray simply that He continue to conform my heart to His and make His immediate way known to me, that I might not bear so much distress, much longer.
... But if even that is His will? God's will be done.
Heather.
PS: October 31st is Reformation Day. Take that, Halloween! ;)
As it might be gathered from the last several posts, my heart is no longer in this school, because I've learned that a decent, local church body can do what any parachurch organisation can, possibly better. So my heart is set on being involved in the church, instead. Yet my head contends that I've put money into this school, and spiritually speaking, I've committed to stay for as long as God provides. To top that off, this school is my Waukesha residence. So, if I am finding that I like Waukesha (and I do,) this is the only way I can be here.
I wish I could write it all down and balance it out, but that is difficult. I don't agree with everyone at this school, and I have found a great level of unpeace with some students. On the other hand, there are still folk who encourage me despite disagreement, and who are respectful, and I can honestly say that the instructors love God. Despite the division over things like the doctrines of grace and the lordship of the believer, (both large issues for me,) I can still respect them. The homework load is also getting to me, not because it is too much but because I have handled it unwisely, and my tendancy, when something becomes a burden, is to begin to neglect it completely.
It doesn't help that about a dozen more things have entered my life, unforeseen, that are slowly releasing me from the bubble of NTBI that I was tightly bound in a few months ago. The irony is that this is, by all means, an answer to prayer -- to find the encouragement, and the fellowship, and the wisdom, and the accountability, and the active church that I wasn't getting within the school. (A lot, but not all of this blessing, is coming through the church. Some of it is also coming through books, friends, online ministries, and soforth.) Yet altogether, the more I leave the confines of the bubble, the more I am struggling to keep up with the obligatory things while I am inside. I am, in fact, failing to keep up. I am not beyond grace, but I am certainly at a point where I might quickly fall beyond my own ability to keep up with things. Except by the continued grace of God, I cannot balance it all.
I do not think there is a clear-cut answer to my mess, except to pray and persevere. I have (half) joked that the temptation is to crawl in a hole with my Bible and maybe Spurgeon or Edwards and just read. You see, part of the problem of going to a Bible college is that you study what they would have you study. For example, they would have me study dispensationalism next semester; if I want the balanced perspective that I want to learn this with, I will have to equally walk myself through a book on covenant theology. Not only is that a large reading load, it is a great burden. Most folk don't struggle here because they are fully submitted to believing everything that is put before them. I am not. Being presented with one passionate perspective, and presenting myself with the other, is certain to be stressful. (This is why I joke that I wish I could do my studying in a hole.)
It is hard wanting to read one bible book, but being assigned to another. Hard to read one (non-bible) book, but be assigned to another (three or four.) Hard wanting to write one thing, but being assigned a paper instead. Hard to do one thing with your time, but being scheduled for something else instead. Hard wanting to give your service one place, but being obligated to another instead.
God put me here, though. God knows the balance. In the end, it's really about what God wants for me, and not what I want for myself -- isn't it? It is neither my intention to forsake NTBI nor the opportunities God is putting me in. I am not, by nature, a busybody, so even the prospect of all of this is foreign to me. Don't ask me what God is preparing me for, but pray simply that He continue to conform my heart to His and make His immediate way known to me, that I might not bear so much distress, much longer.
... But if even that is His will? God's will be done.
Heather.
PS: October 31st is Reformation Day. Take that, Halloween! ;)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment