I am finding quickly that I am on a proverbial rollercoaster.
I simply cannot write everything that I would like to, because people may actually read this, heh. It is not to say that these are things that shouldn't be thought or spoken; rather, they are things that should largely remain between God and myself alone, at least until He should grant me the wisdom to handle them or deal with them in a right way. Of what I do write, I hope that I regret saying nothing.
... Call it harmony. But there is a strange balance between discourse and comfort in my life. I am finding a lot of struggles in places I never thought find it, and I have found rest in places I did not expect that I would find, at all.
To an extent, some of it feels like a repeat of High School, (though a lot of that may be my own fault.) Some of it is disappointment, brought about by standards that were set too high. Some of it is true, spiritual exhaustion. There were folk in Pittsburgh who constantly pursued opportunities to serve God and disciple and witness and grow in holiness, and I loved it, and fed on it, and eventually took it for granted. It consumed my lifestyle, in a very good way.
... But there are days here, when classes end, and many rush off to fulfill nothing but the desire to be entertained. Seldom since I have been here have I sat with folk who have spoken enthusiastically of what God has done in their lives, who have sought to sit and pray with authenticity, who have desired to serve Him beyond the obligation of their classes and campus requirements. And I am disheartened.
There is also a fear, possibly one that I shouldn't have, of the passionate opposition of certain others. There is a problem of differing on opinion with many, particularily on whether a believer will certainly produce fruit. I believe that at some point, every true believer will show some sign of God's work and that it will progressively show throughout his life. But some have found this view judgemental in their eyes, and rash, because it might call someone to question their salvation if they are living a life that pursues and loves sin. (I am not sure, in that situation, that questioning such a thing as salvation would be a terribly bad idea.)
... But I digress.
All of this makes me appreciate, that much more, the small body of believers that the Lord has brought me to by His divine providence. I see them one day out of seven, (and only a fraction of that day,) but it has become a true sabbath for my spirit, I think. And knowing of God's sovereignty is a great and dire reassurance. For I know that before I encounter anything that has grieved me, God knewabout it. I know that He may even use me to deal with it if He finds it fit to; He may not. Either way, He already has a plan.
On that note ... I don't know what God does have for me. I truly do not. I at least strongly suspect that He has called me as a tribal missionary, but God has the divine right to my calling -- not me. This is one of those times when I've just got to keep on obeying Him in every circumstance and rely on Him despite my lack of sight, trusting that He will get me to His intended destination. I won't lie -- it is hard not knowing where you will be in a few months' time, or whether you will be able to continue to know the folk that you love, or whether you might be taken from them and placed in a different place altogether. It is (I'm speaking of my emotions) hard not knowing this.
But I didn't enter into this ignorant of the fact that this may, could, would happen. In a human way, it is very frightening. Yet somehow, the Christian perspective makes all of these anxieties seem very insignificant.
I do wonder, though, whether I am making the mistake of subconciously hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel on this side of the eternity? If this world is akin to a dark box, then it may be that there will be many more tiny holes poked for breathing, and they will shed some light, but the true flood of Truth and Light will not come until Christ Himself returns.
Not to say that there won't be highs with the lows. I did say that this was a proverbial rollercoaster. But I wonder at the future things. Things I just, can't, possibly know at this point.
Never matter. God knows. After all, He is my author, is He not? :)
Please keep me in your prayers. That in all things, God might be glorified, that I might have the pleasure of being a part of those things, that through whatever circumstance I am in, I can continue -- if even rarely -- to have the true growth and fellowship with the body of Christ that is so satisfying to Him and His beloved. I would take even the crumbs of the bread of life before any grand feast this world has to offer, but God is full of grace and does not starve His children.
I simply cannot write everything that I would like to, because people may actually read this, heh. It is not to say that these are things that shouldn't be thought or spoken; rather, they are things that should largely remain between God and myself alone, at least until He should grant me the wisdom to handle them or deal with them in a right way. Of what I do write, I hope that I regret saying nothing.
... Call it harmony. But there is a strange balance between discourse and comfort in my life. I am finding a lot of struggles in places I never thought find it, and I have found rest in places I did not expect that I would find, at all.
To an extent, some of it feels like a repeat of High School, (though a lot of that may be my own fault.) Some of it is disappointment, brought about by standards that were set too high. Some of it is true, spiritual exhaustion. There were folk in Pittsburgh who constantly pursued opportunities to serve God and disciple and witness and grow in holiness, and I loved it, and fed on it, and eventually took it for granted. It consumed my lifestyle, in a very good way.
... But there are days here, when classes end, and many rush off to fulfill nothing but the desire to be entertained. Seldom since I have been here have I sat with folk who have spoken enthusiastically of what God has done in their lives, who have sought to sit and pray with authenticity, who have desired to serve Him beyond the obligation of their classes and campus requirements. And I am disheartened.
There is also a fear, possibly one that I shouldn't have, of the passionate opposition of certain others. There is a problem of differing on opinion with many, particularily on whether a believer will certainly produce fruit. I believe that at some point, every true believer will show some sign of God's work and that it will progressively show throughout his life. But some have found this view judgemental in their eyes, and rash, because it might call someone to question their salvation if they are living a life that pursues and loves sin. (I am not sure, in that situation, that questioning such a thing as salvation would be a terribly bad idea.)
... But I digress.
All of this makes me appreciate, that much more, the small body of believers that the Lord has brought me to by His divine providence. I see them one day out of seven, (and only a fraction of that day,) but it has become a true sabbath for my spirit, I think. And knowing of God's sovereignty is a great and dire reassurance. For I know that before I encounter anything that has grieved me, God knewabout it. I know that He may even use me to deal with it if He finds it fit to; He may not. Either way, He already has a plan.
On that note ... I don't know what God does have for me. I truly do not. I at least strongly suspect that He has called me as a tribal missionary, but God has the divine right to my calling -- not me. This is one of those times when I've just got to keep on obeying Him in every circumstance and rely on Him despite my lack of sight, trusting that He will get me to His intended destination. I won't lie -- it is hard not knowing where you will be in a few months' time, or whether you will be able to continue to know the folk that you love, or whether you might be taken from them and placed in a different place altogether. It is (I'm speaking of my emotions) hard not knowing this.
But I didn't enter into this ignorant of the fact that this may, could, would happen. In a human way, it is very frightening. Yet somehow, the Christian perspective makes all of these anxieties seem very insignificant.
I do wonder, though, whether I am making the mistake of subconciously hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel on this side of the eternity? If this world is akin to a dark box, then it may be that there will be many more tiny holes poked for breathing, and they will shed some light, but the true flood of Truth and Light will not come until Christ Himself returns.
Not to say that there won't be highs with the lows. I did say that this was a proverbial rollercoaster. But I wonder at the future things. Things I just, can't, possibly know at this point.
Never matter. God knows. After all, He is my author, is He not? :)
Please keep me in your prayers. That in all things, God might be glorified, that I might have the pleasure of being a part of those things, that through whatever circumstance I am in, I can continue -- if even rarely -- to have the true growth and fellowship with the body of Christ that is so satisfying to Him and His beloved. I would take even the crumbs of the bread of life before any grand feast this world has to offer, but God is full of grace and does not starve His children.
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1 comment:
"But there are days here, when
classes end, and many rush off to
fulfill nothing but the desire to
be entertained. Seldom since I
have been here have I sat with
folk who have spoken
enthusiastically of what God has
done in their lives, who have
sought to sit and pray with
authenticity, who have desired to
serve Him beyond the obligation of
their classes and campus
requirements. And I am disheartened."
I know this feeling well. I go to a secular campus and lead a christian college group along with some others from our campus, under the heading of partoral guidance, and have encountered this problem in the student leadership of that, along with other areas. It is disheartening and conflicting when you're burning with so much passion for the Lord...I guess just asking god for his eyes to see them with has made all the difference in my life. (and theirs, as it has affected my relations with them.) All of the sudden, you start seeing all the ways in which they have been deceived and the hurts that have led to it. Then God shows you the strengths and gifts he's placed in them, which are sometimes so radically different from those of the passionate evangelistic-type. (which you seem to be, and I am.) Then comes the compassion, the love, and ultimatly God's direction on how to minister to them. Sometimes ministering to fellow chirstians is the hardest thing...I have evangelistic friends who prefer not to do it, but do it anyway, just because it's so easy to get impatient with christians and to hold them to higher standards. Slowly, though, as the Lord guides your steps on how to best love on them and minister to them, change IS seen, and it's SO sweet because it was so hard! I'll be praying for you! God bless!
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