Undone.

I've got a lot of fear in my heart.

...Because I am not sure I have approached God the way I ought to have. His Spirit is in me -- I believe this firmly. Yet what have I done?

Cultural Christianity has had a grip on me, and I am still struggling to flee. I cannot struggle fast enough. Maybe that seems irrational to some of you, but I am truly coming undone, because I know that I have not used my Lord's name as I should have. I have not reverenced Christ as I should have.

Is His name really a thing for passing? Is it really a matter to joke about?

I have used "worship time" and my head was often everywhere but God. I was so distracted and captivated by my environment and how much "fun" I could have ... where was the actual worship part? So I flee from all "worship" that causes this. in me.

I have written quotes that I have supposed to be of God -- "prophecy" if you will -- even in this journal in the past. What if I have been wrong, however, and have approached this boldly, and this was not Him or of Him? I have done great injustice if so ... Either way, I have been too quick with my assumptions.

For instance: I have reflected on something I jotted in an old notebook, where I supposed that He was telling me that "Walking in the Light" meant to rejoice and be happy, to love with a joyful heart, to serve willingly, that all of this was the "fullness of His Spirit."

What is that ??

Isn't scripture clear that to walk in the light is to know the truth, to obey, and to be humble regardless of circumstance? Does not true joy and servitude and love flow out from these things, and ultimately from Him?

Maybe He does, in some sense, influence us. Maybe He "speaks" by reminding us of scripture. Perhaps His Spirit encourages our thinking. But can we claim a quote, verbatim? I fear that I may have overstepped my boundaries in presuming upon something that I really know little of.

I've been so irreverent!

... I am afraid to correct. I am afraid for my own reputation rather than for holiness.

I have made Him into artwork, as though He could be "made," as though this were a holy thing to do. I have reduced Him to an image.

How pride has blinded me. How many, worldly things have blinded me ...

How I've neglected to study His word properly. How I have sought to replace that with theory and emotion and celebration and idealisms, how I have been so overzealous (and now I understand how this is possible,) because I practiced such zeal without a proper understanding of His written will.

I am a Christian. I was so before. His Spirit has been with me for a little over two years. Yet I can scarcely keep up! I have ignorantly bought into so many misunderstandings. I have cursed Christian commercialism yet I have taken part. I have admonished others to take care how they use His name and make claims in His name, and yet I do the same. I have done so much in the name of teaching and preaching (is it even my place?) but my own practice falls miles short.

I am made to see that I am dust, helpless in my flesh were it not for His Spirit. I warn every true Christian who seeks after God, this: He will humble you. He will open your eyes. He will mess up everything you thought about the world and about yourself. He will break you. I do not say this on my own. It is very clear, if you pay attention to anything in your Bible. And I am experiencing it, now.

You will think you have it right, and He will show you just how far you are ... I will tell you plainly that knowing God's way is not an easy path. But it is the only true one.

... Oh, but praise Him for His grace and mercy! ... Who could encounter Him and still live to know Him were it not for that? Praise Him that His plan is perfect, because we are the furthest thing from perfection and would be so far away were it not for Him.

Soli Deo Gloria.