A Dilemma in God's Hands

I haven't updated many of you on my predicament lately, and I thought I should.

Many of you know that this past summer, my friend Rachel and I left for Waukesha, Wisconsin to start school at New Tribes Bible Institute. While there, I had a variety of classes, services, and ministries with New Tribes, and I also found a pleasant church, both traditional and reformed. It quickly welcomed me, and there I found so much wonderful Christian fellowship and edifying preaching to really raise my standards of what I hope for in a church. Simply, it was fantastic.

I made some financial sacrifices before and while at school and I hoped that they would pay off. In fact, I thought they would; when my car was wrecked, Rae's insurance company was supposed to make restitution. But, apparently, they were able to find a loophole in the contract and needless to say, they won't be paying anything on the car. Thus, I am broke.

Though it makes little difference at this point, I also do not have the option of living in the dorms this semester. So short of a few grace days upon returning, I must somehow find a place to live and to work, as well as figure out the public transportation system. I don't think I even have enough to get me started in this.

I have a returning flight to Waukesha in less than a week's time. I plan to take it, not because I "believe" for certain that God will provide -- I know that all things are subject to His will -- but because, at the very least, I need to go and get my stuff from the dorm.

If I have to return to Pittsburgh, it's not that tragic. Just difficult. There is a church here that I can go to. It is not nominally "Reformed Baptist" but a calvinistic Southern Baptist church (in Pennsylvania; go figure!) The soteriology is the same, the preaching mechanism is similar, and the people there are kind and welcoming. There is the matter of its eschatology seems mildly divided between dispensationalism and covenant, and the worship is mostly regulated in content but made contemporary in style. Nothing that distorts my overall positive impression of the church. It still isn't the same one I came to adore back at school.

I'm finding it difficult, here. I left behind a lot here in Pittsburgh when I left. I thought I would come back and pick up where I left off, but nothing's ever how you imagine it, yeah? I used to seldom miss a week of bible study at First Evangelical Free, or night of fellowship at South Hills Assembly's young adults service. I did neither of these the past three weeks I've been here! Part of what discouraged me was the proverbial "two birds in the bush" dilemma; both gatherings are now at the same time on the same night. To top that, the Southern Baptist church I mentioned above has a bible study on that night. Trying to figure out between the three has left me choosing nothing at all. Needless to say, things aren't the same.

There is a respect in which things are the same, and I wish they weren't. Being back at home brings back so many habits of the flesh. Around girls I barely know, I can hold my tongue when I feel frusterated. Around my family, not so much. This is the tip of a very deep, dark iceberg.

There is a sense, though I love my friends here, though there are aspects to Pittsburgh which I do sometimes miss, that I still rather live under a bridge in Waukesha than sleep one more night in my bed here. Comically, the thing that holds me back is that I know people would not allow it but would rather insist I return "home" and get a job. Which I may have to do.

God will see His Will through, this much I know. It's my part in all of this that I am fuzzy on. Surely I know I must obey Him in all circumstances. It can be the hardest thing to seek to genuinely serve God in an area and to yet have Him possibly close that door. Harder still to try and make new plans which involve incredibly large decisions when your heart was never ready to do as much. For once in my life, though, I am tired of moving around. I actually want to be settled! But not here... It is my heart in the matter that requires so much prayer.

I cannot help but hold out still a little hope, that there will be some way for me to continue on in Waukesha this year, both in the church and in the school there.