A little while ago, I sat down at a piano and attempted to read some music. Now, mind you, I know little to nothing about playing a piano. I can learn some things by ear, but even most of that is unharmonised pecking. Regardless, I know that the very bottom space of the staff is "F."
I attempted to key out a hymn. Some of the notes sounded fine, but then I hit a note that was incredibly discordant. It just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the music! The Hymnal couldn't have been bad. I knew the melody; yet something wasn't right. I tried a few more notes. They seemed right. ... And then I ran into a whole slew that were just ... off. I could not understand how I could be so sure of the notes I was hitting, and yet getting it so wrong.
Frusterated, I gave up.
Later on, I saw my friend Lily and asked her to play the hymn for me. She played, and it sounded fine. So, I asked her to play it again, and I watched more carefully. She played again: just fine. I eventually realised that she was hitting different notes completely.
Then I showed her what I was doing, and she saw my error right away. See, I had been making a false presumption from the very beginning, and it was throwing my entire key off. Because of past experience, I had assumed that the piano started with a "C" note, and so I was counting up from there thinking that after exactly 7 keys above it was another "C." The problem, then?
The piano started with "A." I wasn't simply hitting the wrong notes; I was reading the entire score wrong.
... I have the right sheet of music in front of me, and the right instrument, but I've been reading it wrong. Tonight, I was able to sit down with the pastor of the church I have been visiting for the past month, just to speak about these things -- particularily certain anxieties and differences that I have come into while in Waukesha. And through our discussion, I came to realise something with better clarity than I could ever quite recognise before.
I have gone to churches and never being too sure of certain doctrinal issues (until about the past year,) I have never truly been committed to one place. It was always my concern that membership were a mechanism for numbers and so I felt no need to commit. I saw church as a meeting place for fellowship, worship, and edification, but as such, I didn't see any need to commit to any particular one. It was just a "part" of the Christian experience. So, this entire time, I have been attempting to go at the Christian life in a solo manner, expecting to feed a little from this church here and that organisation there, this believer here and that book there. Now there is nothing wrong with gleaming experience and insight from other parts of the body, but to never have any true grounding ... can a tree with roots stretched so far be well nourished for long?
The trouble obviously follows because I am studying at a school that is, essentially, part of a parachurch missions organisation that I do not even expect to be working through. I have attempted to go about my walk in light of a certain intended "destination" [missions,] and as a result, I have been working toward every "in between" that I thought to be a neccessary predecessor of missions work. My focus for going to a Bible college, for instance, was to learn about the missions field and about scripture, since, at the time, I felt I really needed to learn these things; ironically, I had already, by simply being a disciple of Christ, learned a fair amount about scripture before even coming here. I had underestimated the power of the church and ultimately of God through His Church.
Because, the truth? A good, local church body can do all of these things. She can disciple, build, comfort, rebuke, equipt and send. Not to shift the blame, but what is it about this American culture that has given me the impression, for the past two years, that I could not simply come to God's through the discipleship of a local body? Why have I felt the need to map out my own plan? If God would have me to be a missionary, then can He not move even His smallest church to build me to become one?
To be quite honest, the entire prospect makes me nervous. It has been in the back of my mind for months -- in fact, I almost believe I "knew" it before I left Pittsburgh -- that I would need a true home church, a solid ground, so to speak, in which I ought to be immersed. But recognising this now, and the urgency of it, I am beginning to wonder what to do? At least for the immediate future, I will remain in Waukesha for as long as the Lord provides. However, I also know that this might not be for too long. For all I know, I may not so much as be able to return after December. If I cannot remain here, then what? Do I go back to Pittsburgh to live indefinitely until the Lord moves me? Go elsewhere, entirely? (I have entertained the thought of joining the church that hosts HeartCry, because it is so in line with my percieved calling and conviction.) ... Can I be sure that wherever I go will be sure enough place to begin to grow with a local body, there?
I express these questions as an insight to my human mind and not as an actual, trivial matter. Because the truth is, God is omniscient and in control of all things. This is the very way that faith plays out.
So I emphasise again: It isn't a mistake that I am where I am, this moment. God knew this, too. I do not take back the notion that God directed me to NTBI, at least for this semester -- but I am quickly seeing that God's mind in purpose this was far from where mine was. I came here thinking that this was the major catalyst to my calling. Yet I am seeing that I am still a much younger Christian than I realised.
All of this time, I have been seeking to follow God on some sort of solo-mission, step by step, instead of allowing the His church to truly adopt me and take me in and be the waters that carry me. I was attempting to play a C score in A. The tiny build-up of discordant annoyances have hinted to me that there was something of a larger matter out of whack. (In fact, a friend suggested this outright a few weeks ago and I did not want to listen.) But you can't correct the smaller issues until you correct the main issue, you know?
Thus, I will remain at this school for as long as God provides, but I am prepared to shift my focus. Since school is a time-consuming ordeal, I do not expect a shift of focus to be easy. Yet I find it biblical and I find it important, if I am going to go at this properly. I expect to learn a lot at this school, and truth be told, I love a lot of aspects to this school, including all of the instructors that I have. But it is a burden lifted to know that this is not quite my preparation, but that there is something different yet awaiting me.
Keep me in prayer. I have so much to learn.
I attempted to key out a hymn. Some of the notes sounded fine, but then I hit a note that was incredibly discordant. It just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the music! The Hymnal couldn't have been bad. I knew the melody; yet something wasn't right. I tried a few more notes. They seemed right. ... And then I ran into a whole slew that were just ... off. I could not understand how I could be so sure of the notes I was hitting, and yet getting it so wrong.
Frusterated, I gave up.
Later on, I saw my friend Lily and asked her to play the hymn for me. She played, and it sounded fine. So, I asked her to play it again, and I watched more carefully. She played again: just fine. I eventually realised that she was hitting different notes completely.
Then I showed her what I was doing, and she saw my error right away. See, I had been making a false presumption from the very beginning, and it was throwing my entire key off. Because of past experience, I had assumed that the piano started with a "C" note, and so I was counting up from there thinking that after exactly 7 keys above it was another "C." The problem, then?
The piano started with "A." I wasn't simply hitting the wrong notes; I was reading the entire score wrong.
... I have the right sheet of music in front of me, and the right instrument, but I've been reading it wrong. Tonight, I was able to sit down with the pastor of the church I have been visiting for the past month, just to speak about these things -- particularily certain anxieties and differences that I have come into while in Waukesha. And through our discussion, I came to realise something with better clarity than I could ever quite recognise before.
I have gone to churches and never being too sure of certain doctrinal issues (until about the past year,) I have never truly been committed to one place. It was always my concern that membership were a mechanism for numbers and so I felt no need to commit. I saw church as a meeting place for fellowship, worship, and edification, but as such, I didn't see any need to commit to any particular one. It was just a "part" of the Christian experience. So, this entire time, I have been attempting to go at the Christian life in a solo manner, expecting to feed a little from this church here and that organisation there, this believer here and that book there. Now there is nothing wrong with gleaming experience and insight from other parts of the body, but to never have any true grounding ... can a tree with roots stretched so far be well nourished for long?
The trouble obviously follows because I am studying at a school that is, essentially, part of a parachurch missions organisation that I do not even expect to be working through. I have attempted to go about my walk in light of a certain intended "destination" [missions,] and as a result, I have been working toward every "in between" that I thought to be a neccessary predecessor of missions work. My focus for going to a Bible college, for instance, was to learn about the missions field and about scripture, since, at the time, I felt I really needed to learn these things; ironically, I had already, by simply being a disciple of Christ, learned a fair amount about scripture before even coming here. I had underestimated the power of the church and ultimately of God through His Church.
Because, the truth? A good, local church body can do all of these things. She can disciple, build, comfort, rebuke, equipt and send. Not to shift the blame, but what is it about this American culture that has given me the impression, for the past two years, that I could not simply come to God's through the discipleship of a local body? Why have I felt the need to map out my own plan? If God would have me to be a missionary, then can He not move even His smallest church to build me to become one?
To be quite honest, the entire prospect makes me nervous. It has been in the back of my mind for months -- in fact, I almost believe I "knew" it before I left Pittsburgh -- that I would need a true home church, a solid ground, so to speak, in which I ought to be immersed. But recognising this now, and the urgency of it, I am beginning to wonder what to do? At least for the immediate future, I will remain in Waukesha for as long as the Lord provides. However, I also know that this might not be for too long. For all I know, I may not so much as be able to return after December. If I cannot remain here, then what? Do I go back to Pittsburgh to live indefinitely until the Lord moves me? Go elsewhere, entirely? (I have entertained the thought of joining the church that hosts HeartCry, because it is so in line with my percieved calling and conviction.) ... Can I be sure that wherever I go will be sure enough place to begin to grow with a local body, there?
I express these questions as an insight to my human mind and not as an actual, trivial matter. Because the truth is, God is omniscient and in control of all things. This is the very way that faith plays out.
So I emphasise again: It isn't a mistake that I am where I am, this moment. God knew this, too. I do not take back the notion that God directed me to NTBI, at least for this semester -- but I am quickly seeing that God's mind in purpose this was far from where mine was. I came here thinking that this was the major catalyst to my calling. Yet I am seeing that I am still a much younger Christian than I realised.
All of this time, I have been seeking to follow God on some sort of solo-mission, step by step, instead of allowing the His church to truly adopt me and take me in and be the waters that carry me. I was attempting to play a C score in A. The tiny build-up of discordant annoyances have hinted to me that there was something of a larger matter out of whack. (In fact, a friend suggested this outright a few weeks ago and I did not want to listen.) But you can't correct the smaller issues until you correct the main issue, you know?
Thus, I will remain at this school for as long as God provides, but I am prepared to shift my focus. Since school is a time-consuming ordeal, I do not expect a shift of focus to be easy. Yet I find it biblical and I find it important, if I am going to go at this properly. I expect to learn a lot at this school, and truth be told, I love a lot of aspects to this school, including all of the instructors that I have. But it is a burden lifted to know that this is not quite my preparation, but that there is something different yet awaiting me.
Keep me in prayer. I have so much to learn.
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