A Dilemma in God's Hands

I haven't updated many of you on my predicament lately, and I thought I should.

Many of you know that this past summer, my friend Rachel and I left for Waukesha, Wisconsin to start school at New Tribes Bible Institute. While there, I had a variety of classes, services, and ministries with New Tribes, and I also found a pleasant church, both traditional and reformed. It quickly welcomed me, and there I found so much wonderful Christian fellowship and edifying preaching to really raise my standards of what I hope for in a church. Simply, it was fantastic.

I made some financial sacrifices before and while at school and I hoped that they would pay off. In fact, I thought they would; when my car was wrecked, Rae's insurance company was supposed to make restitution. But, apparently, they were able to find a loophole in the contract and needless to say, they won't be paying anything on the car. Thus, I am broke.

Though it makes little difference at this point, I also do not have the option of living in the dorms this semester. So short of a few grace days upon returning, I must somehow find a place to live and to work, as well as figure out the public transportation system. I don't think I even have enough to get me started in this.

I have a returning flight to Waukesha in less than a week's time. I plan to take it, not because I "believe" for certain that God will provide -- I know that all things are subject to His will -- but because, at the very least, I need to go and get my stuff from the dorm.

If I have to return to Pittsburgh, it's not that tragic. Just difficult. There is a church here that I can go to. It is not nominally "Reformed Baptist" but a calvinistic Southern Baptist church (in Pennsylvania; go figure!) The soteriology is the same, the preaching mechanism is similar, and the people there are kind and welcoming. There is the matter of its eschatology seems mildly divided between dispensationalism and covenant, and the worship is mostly regulated in content but made contemporary in style. Nothing that distorts my overall positive impression of the church. It still isn't the same one I came to adore back at school.

I'm finding it difficult, here. I left behind a lot here in Pittsburgh when I left. I thought I would come back and pick up where I left off, but nothing's ever how you imagine it, yeah? I used to seldom miss a week of bible study at First Evangelical Free, or night of fellowship at South Hills Assembly's young adults service. I did neither of these the past three weeks I've been here! Part of what discouraged me was the proverbial "two birds in the bush" dilemma; both gatherings are now at the same time on the same night. To top that, the Southern Baptist church I mentioned above has a bible study on that night. Trying to figure out between the three has left me choosing nothing at all. Needless to say, things aren't the same.

There is a respect in which things are the same, and I wish they weren't. Being back at home brings back so many habits of the flesh. Around girls I barely know, I can hold my tongue when I feel frusterated. Around my family, not so much. This is the tip of a very deep, dark iceberg.

There is a sense, though I love my friends here, though there are aspects to Pittsburgh which I do sometimes miss, that I still rather live under a bridge in Waukesha than sleep one more night in my bed here. Comically, the thing that holds me back is that I know people would not allow it but would rather insist I return "home" and get a job. Which I may have to do.

God will see His Will through, this much I know. It's my part in all of this that I am fuzzy on. Surely I know I must obey Him in all circumstances. It can be the hardest thing to seek to genuinely serve God in an area and to yet have Him possibly close that door. Harder still to try and make new plans which involve incredibly large decisions when your heart was never ready to do as much. For once in my life, though, I am tired of moving around. I actually want to be settled! But not here... It is my heart in the matter that requires so much prayer.

I cannot help but hold out still a little hope, that there will be some way for me to continue on in Waukesha this year, both in the church and in the school there.

The drama isn't worth it!

The human condition is really getting me distraught, lately.

We base our assessments of something on a very limited knowledge, think little, judge quickly. Jump to defend; quick to offend. Fight bitterly. Make rash statements. Build assumption upon assumption. Think little before we speak. We don't consider. We don't chew on things. We don't even guess whether there might be another side. We speak as though we speak privately (forgetting that one day all things come to light.)

Gossip ceaselessly. Hunting for faults. Speak with the intention of provoking. Never stopping to consider that we might be hurting someone.

Looking to poke fun. Assuming we know one's character at a glance. Not actually bothering to know for sure ... Listening to others instead of finding out.

Listen: I'm not of the "don't judge me!" crowd -- the one that resorts to a poorly quoted scripture to excuse any and every sin. I'll discern more boldly than many, and I'm often hated for it. But there is a context for our judgments, and that -- that we not be hypocrites ... "Remove the log from your own eye FIRST," say the scriptures, before you judge a speck in your brother's.

How quickly we resort to ad hominems! "You're a religious biggot / deceitful wolf / stupid girl -- your arguments don't count!" If there is a spine to a statement it's a weak one; often there have no defense at all. Just self-righteous know-better pride. Speaking out of ignorance; upholding it with arrogance.

Craving drama. Craving something to feel important / be pitied / be exalted ....

STOP.

Just think. Really think. Really think before you speak so critically!

Consider this //
-Is it true?
-(Do you have a basis for that?)
-Does it need to be heard?
-Will it encourage another?
-... But are you also guilty?
-Are you willing to be proved wrong?
-Does it glorify God?


The heart is deceitful above all things -- who can know it!

"And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water." (James 3:6-12)

Oh, brothers ... take care, take so much care of what you say. Wars have been started over less.