Forenote :: This journal is directed at Christians. Non-believers may read if they like and glean wisdom if they find it; I would only suggest that without such a Christian perspective, all I have to say here can only be recieved in vain.
This article showed up in my "updates" feed on Facebook, recently: [link]
I both share many views with Mohler, and I differ with him in a few areas. On this, however, I find him spot-on. I do not know what the rest of you think about intimacy in non-marital relationships, even normal "kissing," but I wanted to share my own thoughts and experience on the matter.
I've been forgiven for much. The last relationship I had before I was saved, (though I was an unconverted "professing Christian" before that,) failed miserably on many fronts, including going *too* far. I did come away not only redeemed by God, and that is most important, but also wiser to many of the subtleties behind lust, both in heart and living flesh. Without any inspiration from any article (though I deeply appreciate Mohler's input, reading it,) I decided for myself never to kiss again until I'm at an altar. Two years later, I am in my first relationship since I've been saved, and I'm following through with that commitment. In both thought and action, it proves to create an amazing boundary that keeps minds more focused on the glory of God and less on physical intimacy.
Here's a thought. By simple observation, I've noticed that a lot of couples who kiss don't just kiss once. They like to bombard each other with kisses. Seems cute, maybe a little annoying to those of us who aren't lace and floral; regardless, it doesn't *seem* at all wrong.
The problem is in the doors that it opens. I recall doing as much in my last relationship. A dozen pecks on the lip can only remain pecks for so long before lips -- and tongues -- draw closer. An intimate kiss like that is as good as foreplay; if you disagree, then admit that it most certainly leads to it. As innocent as kissing seems, it is the marijuana of lust. Everyone claims it's no big deal, but it's led too many people to go that "one step further" -- over and over again.
And we all tell ourselves we'll "resist that next step" -- but it's not nearly as easy as we think. This isn't a matter I think anyone ought to trust their flesh on, because even if by some miracle we *are* capable of not being tempted, what are the chances that our partner has that same ability?
So it is better not to even take that road unless we know for sure that you will be married someone -- and trust me when I say that you can only know this for sure when you've both said "I do." Just as it grieves a Christian, a part of the Bride of Christ, when he remembers his pre-conversion idolatries and other sins, it grieves the hearts of those in love when they remember what they've shared in past relationships that were never destined to last. Though committed in ignorance and weakness, it nevertheless guilts our mind with a sense of unfaithfulness. Even an "innocent" kiss.
Normally, I have a general rule of thumb about acceptable intimacy and it is this -- if you would cringe to see a man do something with his daughter, don't do it with a person you're not married to. For instance, it would not be off putting, I think, to see a father put his arm around his daughter, or to hug her; this body language communicates a sort of protectiveness which I'm not opposed to at all in non-marital relationships. Obviously, it is not a perfect rule and it fails on this particular matter: I would neither cringe to see a father kiss his daughter on the lips, and yet here I am cautioning unmarried couples not to do it. It is because there is a *difference.* Because whereas some things communicate protectiveness and bonding, no matter the relationship, a kiss communicates something vastly different between happening between family and between a couple (at least in American culture.) Between family, a kiss is sign of deep familial love; between a couple, it is impossible to remove a romantic connotation.
This is never a popular topic, mainly because those who are in relationships already and enjoy kissing have no desire to stop; I always catch fire from these particular folks when I talk about this. Yet I stand where I do. I've got to. In the end -- and we've all heard this before -- I think it comes down to one important thing to remember. It is not and was never about "how close" the Christian couple can get, but how much they can honour God in thought, action and appearance.
This article showed up in my "updates" feed on Facebook, recently: [link]
I both share many views with Mohler, and I differ with him in a few areas. On this, however, I find him spot-on. I do not know what the rest of you think about intimacy in non-marital relationships, even normal "kissing," but I wanted to share my own thoughts and experience on the matter.
I've been forgiven for much. The last relationship I had before I was saved, (though I was an unconverted "professing Christian" before that,) failed miserably on many fronts, including going *too* far. I did come away not only redeemed by God, and that is most important, but also wiser to many of the subtleties behind lust, both in heart and living flesh. Without any inspiration from any article (though I deeply appreciate Mohler's input, reading it,) I decided for myself never to kiss again until I'm at an altar. Two years later, I am in my first relationship since I've been saved, and I'm following through with that commitment. In both thought and action, it proves to create an amazing boundary that keeps minds more focused on the glory of God and less on physical intimacy.
Here's a thought. By simple observation, I've noticed that a lot of couples who kiss don't just kiss once. They like to bombard each other with kisses. Seems cute, maybe a little annoying to those of us who aren't lace and floral; regardless, it doesn't *seem* at all wrong.
The problem is in the doors that it opens. I recall doing as much in my last relationship. A dozen pecks on the lip can only remain pecks for so long before lips -- and tongues -- draw closer. An intimate kiss like that is as good as foreplay; if you disagree, then admit that it most certainly leads to it. As innocent as kissing seems, it is the marijuana of lust. Everyone claims it's no big deal, but it's led too many people to go that "one step further" -- over and over again.
And we all tell ourselves we'll "resist that next step" -- but it's not nearly as easy as we think. This isn't a matter I think anyone ought to trust their flesh on, because even if by some miracle we *are* capable of not being tempted, what are the chances that our partner has that same ability?
So it is better not to even take that road unless we know for sure that you will be married someone -- and trust me when I say that you can only know this for sure when you've both said "I do." Just as it grieves a Christian, a part of the Bride of Christ, when he remembers his pre-conversion idolatries and other sins, it grieves the hearts of those in love when they remember what they've shared in past relationships that were never destined to last. Though committed in ignorance and weakness, it nevertheless guilts our mind with a sense of unfaithfulness. Even an "innocent" kiss.
Normally, I have a general rule of thumb about acceptable intimacy and it is this -- if you would cringe to see a man do something with his daughter, don't do it with a person you're not married to. For instance, it would not be off putting, I think, to see a father put his arm around his daughter, or to hug her; this body language communicates a sort of protectiveness which I'm not opposed to at all in non-marital relationships. Obviously, it is not a perfect rule and it fails on this particular matter: I would neither cringe to see a father kiss his daughter on the lips, and yet here I am cautioning unmarried couples not to do it. It is because there is a *difference.* Because whereas some things communicate protectiveness and bonding, no matter the relationship, a kiss communicates something vastly different between happening between family and between a couple (at least in American culture.) Between family, a kiss is sign of deep familial love; between a couple, it is impossible to remove a romantic connotation.
This is never a popular topic, mainly because those who are in relationships already and enjoy kissing have no desire to stop; I always catch fire from these particular folks when I talk about this. Yet I stand where I do. I've got to. In the end -- and we've all heard this before -- I think it comes down to one important thing to remember. It is not and was never about "how close" the Christian couple can get, but how much they can honour God in thought, action and appearance.
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